Stupid Girl

I have realized that I am a stupid girl and I really don't like it. I don't like feeling unsure or confused. I don't like obsessing over stupid shit that probably doesn't matter. I don't like over analyzing every little thing. I don't like the games that are always somewhat played. I really don't like feelings of inadequacy. Why can't people just be open and honest about shit. I like to know where I stand with someone cause why waste time? I think I am a pretty secure person until a boy comes into the picture and makes me question EVERYTHING!!!

So I guess that goes to show what kind of mood I am in today!

*I am a super anxious person and tend to get fixated on something and obsess on it a little (okay okay a lot) until it's resolved one way or another. I have never been really good at just speaking my mind, I am working on that though*

So anyway. The other Myspace boy turned out to be quite a surprise to me in a lot of different ways. We texted a bit he asked me to dinner and I accepted. Before we could actually go to dinner though I found out that his ex girlfriend is actually my ex mother in laws friend and used to be my somewhat kinda sorta friend. It was a little weird so I backed out of dinner since who knows if he still talks to this chick and I didn't need anymore baby daddy drama then I already had. One thing led to another and we ended up having lunch and actually hanging out all day. He was hot, funny, and there wasn't all that awkwardness between us. I loved the sarcasm and the back and forth between us was great. So the evening ends as I have other plans and he practically jumps out of my car and runs for it. CONFUSION already. I thought we hit it of but guess not, oh well.

*At this point I am not looking for anything serious, just want to meet some new people, hang out, and have fun. A bumping buddy would have been nice too but I was scared of the penis at the time. Sex with someone new just seemed weird to me. I knew I needed some strange to get me over the hump I just couldn't bring myself to do it yet. You also run the risk of someone always getting feelings or some such shit*

So anyway T and I go out that night to do our thing and my phone is blowing up. We end up picking the boy up and hanging out all night. We hook up it's grand and I think to myself well I finally got some strange whoo hoo! Now I can move on....

Well what was supposed to be just some strange and uncomplicated sex turned into something more. I didn't think we would talk again but we did and we hung out. We hung out every chance we had. We were both still very adamant that we didn't want a relationship, although everyone else saw what was going on between us. After a lot of confusion and some misunderstandings, I finally stepped up and said I want to know where I stand with you, I also finally somehow turned a drunken conversation into a boyfriend. Wow, I actually took control and it paid off, be proud, I am.

So I now have a boyfriend and still have lots of confusion on my part. We have been seeing each other for months and I still question everything and over analyze things to death. This is why I hate being a stupid girl. Although I am very happy with my boy these are reasons I didn't want to get involved with someone....

So I have basically told you why I don't like the "new" relationship status (maybe it's just me and I need to quit being an insecure baby), now I will tell you why I do like the "new"
Newness in itself is great. It's exciting, it's butterflies in your tummy, it's talking for hours and getting to know someone, it's getting a smile everytime they call or text, it's thinking about them all the time (although I read an article that it's related to some kind of chemical thing in the brain), it fun, it's meeting new people, it's feeling that spark, it's a first kiss, a first hug, a first sleepover, it's discovering things they like, it's making them smile, it's making out like teenagers, it's giggling, it's lounging in bed forever and just being, it's finding out what you have in common, it's the warm fuzzies you get when he looks at you. Okay maybe this stuff just pertains to me but I think we are getting past the newness stage and damn if I still don't feel these things.

Cross your fingers for me, this could be a wild ride

------ L